There comes a point when everything you do or say or feel just seems like a rather unamusing joke. Like the world around you is part of an elaborate game set up to target you and you alone with a plot so convoluted and annoying, making your every move and thought a complete waste of time. You feel used, you feel hurt, but you don't know who to be mad at or where to point fingers or even how to make it better. You just take it and deal. Take it and deal.
As I looked into the Perfect Blue again today, I knew that I felt something I shouldn't, or more accurately couldn't, feel. Perfect Blue on Cold, the combination of which keeps me awake at night, wakes me up in the morning, and invades my every minute. If I don't see the Perfect Blue, I think about it. If I do see the Perfect Blue, it's all that I can see, or think, or do, or feel. It is the world, it is the only world I want.
After reading the past two paragraphs, I realize that I may sound slightly insane. Well, maybe not the slightly part. It's just that a lot of things happen here, a lot of things that are outside my range of control and I just have to deal with them. Because we all live in this micro-society, this family of friends if you will, things happen frightningly fast and results are even faster. Say something here and they already know about it there. Laugh at someone before they laugh at you. It's getting harder now because we're all tired of each other, of seeing each other, of hearing the same thing again and again. And making it worse are feelings that get hurt, rumors that get passed, and the annoying fact that some people do not act their age.
Our group has been torn because of this. We now rest half and half, firmly split from each other, except for those of us that choose to be the runners, hoping for peace but getting nowhere. It's kinda hard, and kinda annoying because we all know the problem but are afraid to say it because we still have to live here for another 3 weeks with these people, these friends of ours. This life we lead will end in 3 weeks.
I think I love the Perfect Blue. I love what I see in them; Hope.
I miss home, but I don't. I want to leave, but I want to stay. I never want to see some of these people again, but I want to be with them all day long. I want to revert, but I want her.
The joys of life, I guess these are. As far as normal things, our studio is ramping up for the final thing, which I asked about today. "Is our project dealing with the towns or the actual factory?" "Well Dan, that's a good question" And that's all I got. Oh well. Maybe I can make another movie or something and blow everyone out of the water.
Oh yeah, I have another problem now too, although I'm not completely sure that this one is a problem. By another, I mean that there is another person that just somehow became apparent to me. She's been there all semester, I just didn't realize. I like her though. Maybe she'll help me get my mind off the Perfect Blue. I'm so focused on her that I'm not seeing things around me. I need to stop. It won't work.
Happy confusing blog everyone. Sorry for the vagueness and utter lack of coherency and possible spelling errors. I just needed to vent a little bit.
-DAN
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
you come back from italy at the start of december, right? how long will you be staying in lj before moving back to cs?
in other news: altho reading lenghty blogs and exchanging emails have prevented me from being in the dark about all of these goings on in dan land, they simply aren't enough for me to get the entire picture. therefore, i propose verbal communication upon your return. in person being the preferred method.
well blog that was certainly... something
Post a Comment